So It Is and So It Begins

Give Birth to Yourself

When I had Facebook, for a very long time, this quote was my cover photo.

I loved it because it reinforced in me the need to get to the heart of who I am as a person and where I want to go in life. It also gave me a great deal of perspective during my single years (and currently).

I connect with this even more now, as I am taking on new positions and grand ventures. I’m not worried about any of those things, because I’ve finally learned that everything has its time, and I’m finally trusting the timing of my life.

When I was in high school, I had it all figured out. I’d go to college, move out of my house by the time I was 21, live alone for a while and be a massage therapist/ actress and eventually  end up living in NYC with my husband and first baby.

Yup. BIG PLANS!

Funny how things don’t happen the way we wish them to.

I’m 29, single, and I just moved out of my parents house last week and I’m working as an Admin while I figure out what I want to do my Master’s in.

Between my teen years and now, my perspective has changed a great deal: from wanting a husband and a baby to wanting to first do things on my own. To live alone, to get to know myself first before I try wrangling another person into the mix. It’s like the Rolling Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.”

This is what I need.

I’ve always had an independent spirit and right now I feel like it’s actually running free. I love it. I love going home to my tiny apartment and feeling a sense of pride, knowing I’m responsible for it. The cleaning, the supplying, the coziness of the space is all up to my own design. I’m taking all the love I have and putting it out into this space to make it full of love and welcoming. It’s the best feeling ever.

It is so much fun getting acclimated, cooking for myself and taking care of myself.

This is my path, and I’ve never been so happy to be on it.

I still hope to meet someone and fall in love, but not the way I initially imagined it. First of all, I want to take the time to actually fall in love and not just jump into it like I have in the past. When romance has graced my life, it always goes from 0-Relationship with very little “getting to know you” time. My ideas of love are always best conveyed with music. What use to sound like a crazy fast romance, love at first site type thing has done a complete 180. Now, it sounds something like this:

I want someone I can be friends with first and really get to know. That quiet kind of love, the kind that is felt when I hold their gaze, when I hear their voice, and when I feel their touch. The kind that conveys understanding and knowing that grows with each day, week, month and year that it progresses. Something that grows over time, and isn’t forced and rushed all at once.

And then I remember what I’ve learned about planning and I realize I probably have very little control over how it will happen and I’ll end up just going with it like I always do. But this time, I must insist on progression.

For now, I’m exactly where I want to be and where I need to be. The feeling of those two intersecting is giving me so much hope for what’s to come. I’m discovering so much about myself living alone, and building on the foundations of who I am that I’ve already established.

Life has become an even grander adventure.

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